| Finally, just another face in the crowd...'s Journal |
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Finally, just another face in the crowd...
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| HOLY CRAP! |
[03 Apr 2006|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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I can't believe it's been more than a year since my last entry. God damn that myspace... it's just been consuming my life!
I don't think any of the people that used to be my "friends" on this website will actually read this... but whatever.
So lets see if I can just try and sum up the last year of my life in a nutshell...
Had a job... a good job... went to Arizona with Corey... lost my good job... stayed home and took care of Dad for 4 months when he broke his foot... collected umeployment until it ran out... trying to find a new job... it's hard... still madly in love... um...thats it. You didn't really miss out on anything, so don't worry. Ok, I'm out.
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[02 Feb 2005|09:58pm] |
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I hate people who say they'll be one of your closest friends forever, then don't bother to call because they're cooler, better looking friends are more important.
I hate people who get you to trust them, tell them your whole life, then use it against you and make you look like an asshole.
I hate people who ask for my help, then take all the credit.
I love letting distance grow, and then rekindling a friendship.
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[28 Dec 2004|05:02pm] |
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I never seem to find any time to update my journal, and when I do, I feel that I have absolutely nothing exciting to contribute anyway.
I am so exhausted. I just got through telling Alex that I don't feel like bowling tonight because I'm tired, but he convinced me to go anyway, even though I have to get up for work in the morning, but hey, anything to make him happy ya know? I went to bed at 1:00 last night, as usual, Alex tells me I need to stop doing that, but when there is such riveting entertainment on Lifetime between the hours of 11:00PM and 1:00AM I just can't bare to miss out on it.
Anyway... Christmas came and went. Because my brother wasn't here we didn't celebrate Christmas, but I think I already mentioned that in the last entry. We kind of did, but nothing extravagant. No tree, no decorations, just 2 gifts exchanged between my parents and I, and Christmas dinner, and once that was over with I drove my ass over to Corey's house and it finally actually felt like Christmas. They got me some really great stuff, but I wish they hadn't. I don't need anything, just being with them felt good.
I really need to change my LJ picture, and I think I'm getting tired of this whole Mario Party thing, I haven't played it in a while because Corey left it at a friends house like 3 months ago, and I haven't found anything else to be infatuated with lately, so I guess I'll just deal.
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[07 Dec 2004|04:56pm] |
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I never realized how hard it would be to choose a path in life. I have sudden begun feeling an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
A part of me feels that I need to go to school, make something of myself, do something worth while... then theres that other part that wants to stay here, be lazy and miserable and have no money.
There is an up side and a down side to both parts of me, and I can't figure out which one I want. The part that feels like I should go out there and be something, it pushing me towards school, but I don't know what I want to go for. I am almost certain that I want to take classes in Elementary Education (scary huh? Me, an Elementary School teacher, I can see the looks on the kids faces now) but then theres the thought that maybe I won't be good at it, and I'll have spent all the money on classes for something thats going to get me nowhere. Then there is the option of staying home, like a big fucking bump on a wet mossy log, and doing absolutely nothing with my life. I have a new car that I can't even pay for because I don't have any money... well I do, but theres the option of letting Mom pay for the car this month and me spending what I do have on Christmas, or closing out my bank account to pay for a car that has become more of a hassle than the blessing I thought it would be. My mother informed me last week that if I was taking classes and going to school that she would pay for my car, but if I was working and not going to school, I would pay for my car, considering I am not doing either of them, it would probably just be wise for me to take the car back to the dealer and be done with it already.
I'll admit it, though not a conscious and wise decision, I have based my future on my relationship with Corey. I have chosen the paths that I've taken in the past few months because of him. Not to say that they are awful routes, but I haven't done anything meaningful with myself. But I can't really blame this on Corey. This all turns around and circles straight back into the black hole that my brother created in my life. Because of him, I have no family, no real place to call home, and two miserable people, who gave me life, and nothing more, who control every moment of my time on this earth. And because of that, Corey became my savior. He became the only person that I truly trusted, admired, loved, and wanted to be with. And he still is all of those things to me, and because my brother stripped me of everything that I deserved in my young adult/adulthood, Corey is the only thing I have left, and that part of me that doesn't want to go to school, the part of me that doesn't want to do anything, feels the way it does because it doesn't want to take away from any of the time I get to spend with him.
I have been attempting lately to find myself a job, but was probably not the best decision for me to wait until the Christmas season to actually put some effort into this quest for employment, considering all the positions that were available a month or two ago, have been filled for the season by kids coming home from school, who need the work while they're here for the month. And I have slightly been telling myself "Fine, wait until the Christmas season is over, and go find a job" but then when I think about it, whats the point of waiting until after Christmas to get money, when I need the money FOR Christmas, so I'm officially stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Aside from being unemployed, life still kind of sucks. Though 100 miles away, and out of the house for 3 months, my brother still manages to make my life absolutely miserable. Everything that happens around here happens for him. My parents have decided that my brother is so messed up that he can't come home to anything the way it was when he left, so instead of just taking all of my brothers stupid posters and drug stickers off the wall and being done with it, they had to repaint the room all cool, and they're buying him new bedding (FYI There isn't a damn thing wrong with the current bedding he has) and a new desk, etc. My dog... well technically MY PARENTS dog, chewed up the comforter on my bed over a year ago, and there's a million and one holes in it. I have been complaining about it since it happened and I've been asking for a new comforter, because I'm cold when I sleep at night, and the normal response to that is "Get a fucking job." Well Danny doesn't have a job and he's getting all new things. I understand that Danny is in a good place, and he's trying to make himself better, but he's not there because he was doing good things before he left, it's like they're rewarding him for doing drugs. And now my mom wants to go out and buy him his own computer for his room. I can see it now, he's going to come home and become the new campaign manager for High Times Magazine... "Hey kids! Do drugs and your parents will buy you expensive stuff!!" This is fucking ridiculous. Every time something happens in this house, my parents always say "This has to change, Danny can't come home to this" For instance, Dad's drinking, Mom freaks out and says "Daddy has to stop drinking, Danny can't come home to this" well what in the hell makes her think that I can come home to this? She doesn't think this hurts me too? She once mentioned how if Dad doesn't stop drinking, when Danny comes home she and him would move out, and she'd leave me behind. I don't think thats fair. As if its my fault that Dad drinks, so she's just going to leave me here to deal with the consequences of someone elses actions. I'm to damned smart for this. I know I have a ton of potentional, and I am a good person, and I really can go out there and do something worth while, but the way things are here, no one is really giving me any motivation other than the fact that my car is going to get repo'd because I can't pay for it. So in short, I have officially been dubbed an ass by all of my family for all eternity.
This ends my rant. This has been the longest entry in a while. I had to get this out one way or another. I should have just wrote it down in my regular journal, no one ever comments anyway.
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[18 Nov 2004|10:19pm] |
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I don't update nearly as often as I should. I'm never online, and when I am I find myself reading the livejournals of people that I can't stand and then feeling like I need to write something about how stupid they are on my own livejournal.
I'll willingly admit that I am a bitch. Although, I have a good side too. I don't want to brag or make it seem like I am a wonderful person, but I am awesome. I am a lot of fun to be around, and ever since I hit the age of 13 I realized I don't care what anyone thinks of me. So this is my special place to let loose about anything and everything I want to, with absolutely no concern of the feelings of the people that mean nothing to me. So hear goes my rant to the alternate world of idiots.
Everytime I read Becky's journal, there is never anything but her whining about how her Mom is a dirty drunk, how every week she has fallen in love with a new scumbag, and how she smokes pot like its going out of style. First off, if I had her for a daughter, I would probably drink myself into a stuper any chance that I got too. Secondly, how is it that someone can spend 2 days with someone and instantaneously say "I think I'm falling in love"? I have only loved one person in my life... the same person since I was 13, and it's been nearly 6 years that I have been in love with him. I couldn't see myself loving someone different at least once a month. Third, fucking pot already went out of style. It was a fucking 70's fad, it's nearly 35 years old. Get the fuck over it. Drugs are gay.
Moving on to the next worthless life form, Emily. Did she really expect a relationship with a 30 year old man to work out? For christ sakes shes a freshman in college 1000 miles away, and she really believed this pedophile when he told her loved her. Give me a fucking break! On another note, I don't know why she even bothers taking art classes at school. Her fucking "art" sucks. I really hope she doesn't think that she's actually going to find a career in that field. And as far as the modeling goes, I hope she doesn't get her hopes up too high when the decide not to use her in anything but Pro-Active pamplets. That fucking acne isn't going to get her anywhere. And get off the Kirsten Dunst thing... you're way off. And back to the drugs thing again... do you pride yourself on letting everyone know you're a cokehead? Or an alleged cokehead at that, because we all know how kids that went through the Somerset Hills school system at one point tend to exaggerate about how "badass" they are, so they can build up this image of themselves that doesn't exist. Ugh whatever.
So back to myself, to make things a little more positive... I love Corey. I swear thats all my livejournal is ever about, but like I said... it's positive. I never have anything negative to say about him. But now that I've rambled about these assholes my hands and fingers are cramping and slowly going numb, so I am going to stop here, but I'm glad I got that out of my system, I feel much better.
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[27 Oct 2004|07:38pm] |
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So lets update my life...
I had a job last week for 3 days... that I got through an employment agency... a few words got misconstrued, and I lost it. I'm actually grateful though because the requirements for the position were misunderstood, and I didn't really want it anyway, so OfficeTeam is on the hunt to find me a new job... and its going quite well...
I bought a new car. I wish my digital camera worked so I could put pictures up, it's actually quite cute. It's a 2001 black Volkswagon Jetta.
Corey and I are still going strong. Very strong actually. It seems that with everyday that goes by our relationship just keeps getting stronger and stronger, and its such a wonderful feeling.
Well I think thats the last of it...
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[27 Sep 2004|10:32pm] |
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I haven't written in a while, and after contemplating whether or not I wanted to update, I realized that I really wanted to write something sappy in here... its that time, and I have been thinking quite a bit lately...
So 2 Sundays ago Corey and I celebrated our 1 year anniversay, when combined with the last time we dated it would like... 2 years and 2 months or something close to that... at least 2 years... but anyway moving on...
I got him this really nice leather dockers wallet, a pair of Woody Woodpecker pajama pants, and Crash Bandacoot for GameCube... and then he turned around and gave me this ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ring! It's a gold band, with a bit of silver wrapped around it, and 3 gorgeous topaz stones across the top. It's unbelievable! Man I've got the best boyfriend in the world... sweet as hell, and he can pick out jewelry too... A+++++++! But in the long run, I feel so cheap because I don't feel like I spent half as much money on him as he did on me... but I suppose its the thought that counts. And if I wasn't so broke, I would buy him the world because I love him so much.
And after thinking about it, and gifts... the holidays... and all the time we spend together, it's finally hit me really hard. I always knew I loved him, but now I am completely positive that I am in love with him, and it feels so wonderful. I understand that we're young, but when I take a long look into my future... I see him there. I see us together, happy, and having a life of our own. God forbid he reads this and gets creeped out because I am thinking so far into the future... but I'm not sure he grasps the fact that he is such a huge part of my life, and I would do anything for him. I don't ever want to imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't here by my side. I know for damn sure that it wouldn't be half as fantastic as it is now, and its just the greatest feeling in the world to know that when I go to bed at night, someone loves me, and that same someone still loves me when I get up in the morning. And the same goes for him. There isn't a moment in the day that goes by that I don't think about him. And at least twice a day I stop, and just smile thinking about how happy I am.
So to make a long story short, in case Corey is reading this... I love you. You are my world, and I would die for you. You complete me. <3
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[01 Sep 2004|12:32pm] |
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I know it's not October yet, but I felt like writing a little early. It's been a month, thats pretty good I guess.
I just spent the last two weeks of my life in Pennsylvania babysitting Corey's cousins because his Aunt got a new job. Oh my God. Those kids were the fucking Spawns Of Satan! They were awful, they almost had me in tears a few times, I just couldn't do it. I was so grateful to come home, and now I want to leave again because everyone here is fucking ridiculous too.
My 1 year anniversay with Corey is coming up in 11 days, and I am actually on my way out sometime this afternoon to look for a gift. I hope I can find him something meaningful. I love him so much.
Okay... I'm done.
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[01 Aug 2004|09:15pm] |
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I hate reading other peoples livejournals and seeing them bitch about everything! And you know what... names are names I don't care about mentioning anyone anymore, because its just ridiculous to pussy foot your way around what you believe.
So Emily Anderson wrote in her livejournal about how she was mad that her boyfriend of a whole 2 months ditched her for some other girl for an evening and how shes leaving in 3 weeks and she doesn't think he cares about her. News Flash! You're annoying, you're a fucking drama queen, and he probably doesn't care about you because all you do is whine and cry whenever you can't see him. You know, he does have a life of his own, and I can't wait until you go to college, for Doug's sake, because he needs time without you to realize how much time he's wasted on you lately. Fuck.
Enough about people that aren't worth writing about, seeing as how I only update once in never. I am happy. I love my boyfriend and he loves me, and he doesn't ditch me for other chicks because I'm awesome, and we just love being with eachother. It'll be a year in a month! Whoohoo! Anyway... Still have no job, my brother is still reeking havoc on Bernardsville, my parents are still completely oblivious, and I just started and ended the South Beach Diet, it sucked. I totally couldn't live without carbs! I did it for 5 days and had fucking starch withdrawls. Ew. Gotta go, strong medicines on. Check back around October and maybe you'll find something new in my life.
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[14 Jul 2004|12:19am] |
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Well... its been another ... I dunno... month or something since I last updated... not that anyone actually reads this thing anyway...
Yeah yeah prom sucked...
Finally graduated from high school... thank god.
Still with Corey and still loving him madly.
Corey had his graduation party, it was awesome, his mom is so funny when shes drunk, and me and the boys (Corey, Joe, and Mark) slept out under the tent in the backyard... everyone drunk, but me... good times.
Went to Nashville last week with Corey to see my family... it ruled... now im home again...
Stopped going to the races spontaneously, but I'm sure that will change, Corey and I have just been busy on Friday nights, but we did go to see Mark race this past Saturday.
I have no aspirations for myself. I have no job, I'm not going to school this year, and my car is about to shit out on me. GREAT.
Watching The Nanny, talking to Mark, just finished eating my fruit salad... planning to continue, I hate updating my journal.
Peace out, bitch.
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[08 Jun 2004|12:14pm] |
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I suppose its time for another update...
Well Friday was prom. I wasn't expecting too much because it was BERNARDS PROM, therefore it was a given that I wasn't going to have some magnificent magical evening. Corey and I stayed until like 10:15. He looked SO GOOD! God I love him, he's just amazing.
We went to see Harry Potter, disappointing to say the least. I fell asleep for the last hour thats how bad it was. ARGH... I was waiting 6 fucking months for that movie too, and go figure, it sucked.
Spent the rest of the weekend at Corey's house... graduation is in a week and 3 days... everything is flying by so fast that its actually starting to scare me... now that I am out of high school... what am I gonna do?
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[18 May 2004|12:32pm] |
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Graduation is officially one month from today.
Prom is 2 weeks and 3 days away.
I have my dress, I have to pick it up from the cleaners on Thursday.
Corey and I went to get him fitted for his tux yesterday. I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM! He's so adorable in his normal clothes, I can only imagine what he looks like in a tux!
I'm actually doing really good in English...
I'm attempting to pass math... I must graduate.
Corey and I have been going to the Go-kart races in PA every Friday to see his friend Bill race. It's fun.
Plans for the weekend= Races, and cleaning out Coreys garage... OH YEAH, AND SHOE SHOPPING FOR PROM WITH CASEY.
And I'm spent.
My new role model= Fran Drescher. Watch the Nanny, you'll want to be like her too.
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[02 May 2004|09:16pm] |
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I am going to try and make this a quick update, because updating has gotten rather annoying, and I know I haven't written anything in a few weeks, so I figured I owed it to the people that actually read this thing...
Went to the Bahamas for Spring Break. It was nice... I guess. Paradise Island was beautiful, the water was absolutely breath taking, but once you get into downtown Nassau, its pretty run down, and everything was way too expensive, so if I had the choice to do it again, I wouldn't. But it was great to spend a full week with Corey. I cherish every moment I get to be with him... whether he realizes it or not, I do love him, with every ounce of my heart.
Corey's birthday was last week, and we surprised him with a trip to Medieval Times. That was so much fun! I got him his first sword! He was so excited.:) I love seeing him happy. I bought him a bunch of stuff for his birthday... games, movies, CD's, and enough candy to hold him over for what I thought would be like a lifetime... but go figure, it only took him like 2 days to devoure it all. THATS MY BOY! Well my man, he is officially a man now.
This past Friday we drove to Snydersville Raceway in Pennsylvania and watched his friend Bill race his go-kart. Amazingly, I had a lot of fun, and Corey's two friends from school are really nice, I wish he would hang out with them more often... they're normal, I like that.
Prom is coming up in a month and two days. I think Corey and I have decided to just go to prom, then come home and sit in our PJ's... unless we happen to mysteriously find the funds for something a little more extravagant. His mom asked me yesterday if we were going to go the shore, and I told her we didn't have the money, but who knows what that woman would do to make us happy. But why get my hopes up? As long as we're together, I don't care where we are. Besides, I don't want to go to some huge party with Bernards kids after prom. They're all assholes when their sober, I can just imagine what they're all like when their trashed... I can't stand any of them anyway, so why bother? We'll see...
This is long enough. Gotta go watch Lifetime.
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[08 Apr 2004|06:45pm] |
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Whoohoo. I'm sitting in an internet cafe in the middle of downtown Philly. It's quite invigorating. We're leaving for the Bahamas at 6 in the morning. It's raining, and really really cold. Blah. I think we're going to head back to the hotel because this piece of shit place is closing in 15 minutes. What coffee shop only stays open until 7? Lame ass. I'll update next week when I get back.
And I would like to say "Hi" to all of those who read my livejournal on a regular basis...
Mary-Leigh, have fun in NC even though I still think he's not worth the effort.
Jessie, enjoy your next week without your mom, she sucks mad balls.
Jenee, I don't know what you're doing for Spring Break, probably just "chillin" with Joe X, but have fun anyway.:p
Vargas, have a few shots of whiskey for me, and I'll drink a rum and coke... or two... or a thousand for you.
Emily, try and make the best of a boring 11 days in Bedminster... and stay away from those annoying sophomore boys, they will rot your brain cells. :p hah.
I think thats it... BYE!
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[07 Apr 2004|02:46pm] |
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Senior paper is in, I can breathe again.
That's it.
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[01 Apr 2004|10:55pm] |
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You ever get to those points where out of nowhere you sit down, and you just start to think... randomly... about the people from your past, and you realize you just want to slap yourself silly for ever getting yourself even remotely involved with them? I've been thinking about that tonight. There are so many people that I have run across in my lifetime, that if I had to do it all over again, knowing what these people were like beforehand, I would just stab them all in the face at the first moment of interaction. If I had to go through the list and write them all down it would take me a year and a half probably.
Then again when you think about it... there are those people who come along once in a lifetime that you never want to let go. <3
Fuck. Senior paper due in four days and one hour. Eight pages complete, five to go.
Corey leaves for the Bahamas in six days. Six days until I get his house to myself for one week and one day... the excitement is overwhelming. You all will have extraordinarily shitty Spring Breaks without me. :P Bah, sucks for you.
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[28 Mar 2004|09:40pm] |
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I am currently losing interest in updating my journal. Seeing as how I tend to NEVER be home anymore, that obviously means I have better things to do, so I'm going to attempt to keep this short and sweet, but everytime I say that, I usually stray from doing so...
Re-dyed my hair, looks much better. Need new pictures.
Slept at Jenn's Thursday night, went to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner, and watched "Gothika" while drinking Margaritas.
Went to Corey's Friday (shocking, I know :p) sat around and ate pizza.
Saturday we went to lunch at CSD, went to Shoprite, moved mulch (the excitement was overwhelming, silly boyfriend), ate pizza again, watched TV.
Sunday, watched TV, made quesadillas, went to softball practice, (I can't even stress how much I sucked. Just picture an 18 year old girl thats never played before, on a team with a bunch of 16-45 year old GUYS who have been playing for centuries, I think you'll understand) went to Dunkin DOnuts with Kyle, then Corey followed me back to my house to have cake with my sister on her birthday. Showered, sitting here, and I'm done.
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[09 Mar 2004|03:07pm] |
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Why must everyone be so stupid? At least if you're going to read my journal, and talk shit, you'll have the common courtesy to relay the information CORRECTLY.
As I clearly stated in the entry previous to this one, I LEFT HOME. Yes, I left home. To all of you who seem to have an issue with spreading rumors, willfully leaving home (and telling my parents where I am going) is far different from being kicked out, and/or running away. Secondly, I also stated that I was having a hard time deciding what I wanted to do about school. No where did I say that I was dropping out, but merely contemplating transferring, which also did not seem to work out in my favor. Third, I am not pregnant, never have been, and I am also not engaged, and believe me, the entire Bernards High School population would probably be the last to know if I was anyway, because with the exception of a handful of people, I hate all of you. And yes I was STAYING with Corey. Staying as in temporary, not living, which is considered permanent. So please, if you're going to talk shit, get your facts straight, and quit exaggerating, because you're only making yourselfs look stupid. (Dana S., Amanda N., Hayley, Kevin, etc)
Now... fuck off.
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[05 Mar 2004|01:22pm] |
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Thats it guys. I stopped talking about it, and I finally did it. I don't know if I am satisfied, but I did it none-the-less.
I left home. I've finally decided that I am no longer going to let my brother abuse me, and my dad, and let my mom sit there and baby him. I am a legal adult. I don't have to do this anymore. So I left yesterday. I drove back today while everyone was gone to get my clothes and some personal items of my own, but I am done. As you would have guessed, I am staying at Corey's.
I don't know what I am going to do about school. I am on the verge of losing credit in math, and I need that class to graduate. I don't really want to drive back and forth everyday because thats 300 miles a week. Then there is the option of transferring to Delaware Valley HS. I don't know. The whole situation makes me want to cry. I never thought this would happen, or that I would have to move out so suddenly. And its not like they kicked me out... I just got fed up with all the bullshit... and I walked out. I told my parents that in order for me to come home my brother has to be put into a semi-permanent place to get his shit straightened out... if you don't see me for a while, you know why.
I'll miss some of you...
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| SURPRISE UPDATE! |
[04 Mar 2004|11:26am] |
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This is a midweek update, which usually doesn't happen, but I thought it was important...
I AM FINALLY 18!
My birthday was yesterday, it was really nice. Everybody at school was sweet, my brother beat the shit out of me, my parents didn't care. Corey and Kyle came over. Kyle bought me pretzels and cheese wiz, and Corey got me an EASY BAKE OVEN! I was so happy. Everytime we go into Walmart I check them out and he actually bought me one. And he got me my own copy of Gone With the Wind. It was wonderful. The 3 of us went to TGIFridays for dinner, then we had cake with my parents, Jenn and Jeff, and my aunt. My parents didn't get me anything for my birthday:(. I guess they don't care. Oh well. Gotta go.
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